Menu
Posted by4 years ago
Archived
Hi, So this letter hit home hard. I have a very similar situation but in my case our older (half brother) raped my two younger brothers. I HAD 5 brothers, now i have 4. They never wanted to talk about it, and it came about this waywhen we found out we were all shocked. So this older brother, G, was away and here at the house for years.
First off, obviously this is a throwaway. I am a 20 year old male and I'm having a bit of a hard time in my life right now. I have never told anyone about what happened when I was younger. I am finally able to seek the thoughts of anonymous strangers on the internet.
It started off innocently enough, I was hanging out with my cousins Kristina (the abuser, also not using real names) and her older brother Carl (he was 17 at the time) at my house. My dad was at work and my mom was looking for jobs pretty intensively, so I was put into the care of Carl as a babysitter. I fondly remember playing a Starwars game on the playstation 1 with him. Carl worked at Burger King and his shift was starting soon, so he called my mom and asked when she would return home. She said it would be about an hour before she came home, but it was fine if he went to work because Kristina could watch me for what little time she would be gone.
This is where the memories become really vivid. Carl got his clothes from his car, got dressed, and left for work. Kristina was pretty happy that he was leaving and I wasn't really sure why, but I kept playing Starwars and having a good time. I was stuck on this impossible level where you have to fly the imperial falcon through this series of pipes, and I couldn't beat it. Kristina suggested we play a different game.
She led me to the guest bedroom in our house and told me I had to lay in the bed and she climbed in too. She ducked under the covers and pulled my shorts off. I asked what she was doing and she said I couldn't tell anyone what was happening or I would get in a lot of trouble. I believed her. I was scared and I knew what was happening when she began giving me a blowjob. I asked her to stop and I told her it was bad and that we shouldn't be doing it. She crawled back up the covers and laid on top of me.
Of all the things I remember from that day, the weight of her body pressing down on my chest is the most painful. I felt like I was being punished. I couldn't move from under her. She took her underwear off and pressed herself down on my tiny 9 year old manhood. She continued to have sex with me for a few minutes and at one point I specifically remember crying between my pleas for her to get off of me. She told me to stop being a baby. At this point she flipped over and pulled me on top of her. I seized my only opportunity and jumped out of the bed. My dick was covered in blood, and I didn't know enough about sex to deduce where it was coming from. I thought she hurt me very badly. I screamed and ran into the bathroom and locked the door. I jumped on the counter and started washing my penis in the sink.
Through the door I heard her yelling that it was ok and completely normal. I know now that she must have been a virgin and the blood was from her hymen. I also knew that what happened wasn't normal. I felt dirty and ashamed of myself. I didn't know everything about what happened but I was scared enough not to tell anyone or ask any questions.
She went home later that day and it was never spoken of again. I didn't see her for about a year after it happened, and when I did it was to say goodbye to their family when they moved to another state.
Fast forward to 2010. My life is pretty normal at this point. I've had my fair share of girlfriends, and beyond some mild sexual repression, I feel like a pretty normal guy. I don't really ever think about that particular part of my past. I get home from school one day and my mom tells me she has some bad news. I was not expecting to hear what came next.
'Your cousin is dead.' I still don't know why she said it so bluntly. Maybe there was no other way she could say it, given that her sisters child had taken her own life.
'Who? Kristina? She's dead? She was only 19!'
'She committed suicide. She was found in bed with a bottle of pills.'
My mom began to cry and I hugged her. I was fairly emotionless at this point, trying to take it all in. I hadn't seen her in years and we weren't close after what had happened. I didn't cry. Not the first day. I was shocked and I didn't believe it. All those repressed memories came back into my head, and all I felt was guilty.
Two days later I received a box in the mail with my address on both the send to and return address sections. It contained a teddy bear, and in it's sewn together arms, a single sheet of paper folded in thirds. It contained her senior picture from high school.
The note read: 'Im sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me. I love you.'
I broke down and fell into a depression that seemed to last weeks. I wasn't sure entirely if the apology was because of the suicide, the rape, or probably both. All I knew is that I had forgiven her. I feel guilty that she felt she had to end her life. I feel terrible I resented her for so long, and that I missed out on all the time I had to miss her. Why did it have to happen like this? If she had reached out to me I know I would have forgiven her... Anyway, It's been 5 years today and it still isn't easy. I'll live today with her picture burning a hole in the back of my mind, the teddy bear staring at me from my closet.
I miss you K. I'm sorry it had to end this way. <3
I'm really glad to get this off my chest, talking about it was very cathartic. I'm sorry it was graphic, thank you for reading my story.
TL;DR: Female cousin raped me when I was 9, she later committed suicide and sent me an apology in the mail posthumously. It's been 5 years since her death and I wanted to get this story off my chest.
127 comments
Posted by4 years ago
Archived
First off, obviously this is a throwaway. I am a 20 year old male and I'm having a bit of a hard time in my life right now. I have never told anyone about what happened when I was younger. I am finally able to seek the thoughts of anonymous strangers on the internet.
It started off innocently enough, I was hanging out with my cousins Kristina (the abuser, also not using real names) and her older brother Carl (he was 17 at the time) at my house. My dad was at work and my mom was looking for jobs pretty intensively, so I was put into the care of Carl as a babysitter. I fondly remember playing a Starwars game on the playstation 1 with him. Carl worked at Burger King and his shift was starting soon, so he called my mom and asked when she would return home. She said it would be about an hour before she came home, but it was fine if he went to work because Kristina could watch me for what little time she would be gone.
This is where the memories become really vivid. Carl got his clothes from his car, got dressed, and left for work. Kristina was pretty happy that he was leaving and I wasn't really sure why, but I kept playing Starwars and having a good time. I was stuck on this impossible level where you have to fly the imperial falcon through this series of pipes, and I couldn't beat it. Kristina suggested we play a different game.
She led me to the guest bedroom in our house and told me I had to lay in the bed and she climbed in too. She ducked under the covers and pulled my shorts off. I asked what she was doing and she said I couldn't tell anyone what was happening or I would get in a lot of trouble. I believed her. I was scared and I knew what was happening when she began giving me a blowjob. I asked her to stop and I told her it was bad and that we shouldn't be doing it. She crawled back up the covers and laid on top of me.
Of all the things I remember from that day, the weight of her body pressing down on my chest is the most painful. I felt like I was being punished. I couldn't move from under her. She took her underwear off and pressed herself down on my tiny 9 year old manhood. She continued to have sex with me for a few minutes and at one point I specifically remember crying between my pleas for her to get off of me. She told me to stop being a baby. At this point she flipped over and pulled me on top of her. I seized my only opportunity and jumped out of the bed. My dick was covered in blood, and I didn't know enough about sex to deduce where it was coming from. I thought she hurt me very badly. I screamed and ran into the bathroom and locked the door. I jumped on the counter and started washing my penis in the sink.
Through the door I heard her yelling that it was ok and completely normal. I know now that she must have been a virgin and the blood was from her hymen. I also knew that what happened wasn't normal. I felt dirty and ashamed of myself. I didn't know everything about what happened but I was scared enough not to tell anyone or ask any questions.
She went home later that day and it was never spoken of again. I didn't see her for about a year after it happened, and when I did it was to say goodbye to their family when they moved to another state.
Fast forward to 2010. My life is pretty normal at this point. I've had my fair share of girlfriends, and beyond some mild sexual repression, I feel like a pretty normal guy. I don't really ever think about that particular part of my past. I get home from school one day and my mom tells me she has some bad news. I was not expecting to hear what came next.
'Your cousin is dead.' I still don't know why she said it so bluntly. Maybe there was no other way she could say it, given that her sisters child had taken her own life.
'Who? Kristina? She's dead? She was only 19!'
'She committed suicide. She was found in bed with a bottle of pills.'
My mom began to cry and I hugged her. I was fairly emotionless at this point, trying to take it all in. I hadn't seen her in years and we weren't close after what had happened. I didn't cry. Not the first day. I was shocked and I didn't believe it. All those repressed memories came back into my head, and all I felt was guilty.
Two days later I received a box in the mail with my address on both the send to and return address sections. It contained a teddy bear, and in it's sewn together arms, a single sheet of paper folded in thirds. It contained her senior picture from high school.
The note read: 'Im sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me. I love you.'
I broke down and fell into a depression that seemed to last weeks. I wasn't sure entirely if the apology was because of the suicide, the rape, or probably both. All I knew is that I had forgiven her. I feel guilty that she felt she had to end her life. I feel terrible I resented her for so long, and that I missed out on all the time I had to miss her. Why did it have to happen like this? If she had reached out to me I know I would have forgiven her... Anyway, It's been 5 years today and it still isn't easy. I'll live today with her picture burning a hole in the back of my mind, the teddy bear staring at me from my closet.
I miss you K. I'm sorry it had to end this way. <3
I'm really glad to get this off my chest, talking about it was very cathartic. I'm sorry it was graphic, thank you for reading my story.
TL;DR: Female cousin raped me when I was 9, she later committed suicide and sent me an apology in the mail posthumously. It's been 5 years since her death and I wanted to get this story off my chest.
127 comments